John Mulaney: Trump Is ‘A Horse Loose In A Hospital’

John Mulaney: Trump Is ‘A Horse Loose In A Hospital’


>>Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY! THANK YOU, JON! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME BACK TO “THE LATE SHOW” ALREADY
IN PROGRESS. FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS
A VERY FUNNY STANDUP COMEDIAN AND A VERY FUNNY ELDERLY STAR OF
“OH, HELLO” ON BROADWAY. PLEASE WELCOME JOHN MULANEY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING ) NICE TO SEE YA.>>NICE TO SEE YOU.>>Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU. HOW ARE YOU?>>NICE TO SEE YOU, STEPHEN.>>Stephen: HAVEN’T SEEN YOU
IN A LONG TIME. 2016 WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE
HERE.>>I DID THE SHOW THEN. I’VE SEEN YOU SINCE THEN BUT YOU
DID NOT SEE ME.>>Stephen: WHERE WERE YOU? AND THAT’S DEEPLY CREEPY.>>Stephen: WHERE WERE YOU? I WAS IN YOUR BUSHES. THAT’S A DEEPLY CREEPY WAY TO
START ANY KIND OF SENTENCE.>>Stephen: YOU’VE SEEN ME BUT
I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU.>>I’VE SEEN THE BACK OF YOUR
HEAD.>>Stephen: THAT DOESN’T MAKE
ME FEEL ANY BETTER.>>AND THE BACK OF YOUR WIFE’S
HEAD, LET ME BE CLEAR.>>Stephen: OKAY, GOOD. DO YOU RECALL THE MET GALA AT
THE METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART?>>Stephen: OH, YEAH, THE
FUNDRAISING THING THEY DO FOR THEIR — YEAH.>>IT’S PROM. YOU AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL WIFE WERE
IN THE LINE AND ME AND MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE WERE RIGHT BEHIND
YOU FOR ABOUT HALF AN HOUR AND I NEVER SAID HELLO.>>Stephen: WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY
HELLO?>>I CHOKED.>>Stephen: I WOULD HAVE LOVED
TO HAVE SOMEBODY TO TALK TO.>>IT BECAME TOO LATE TO SAY
HELLO AT A CERTAIN POINT. I KNEW IT WAS YOU. I WAS, LIKE, IT’S COLBERT. MY WIFE SAID, HI. I SAID, WHAT IF HE TURNS AND
GOES, LIKE, THIS IS REAL LIFE. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: I’M TOTALLY BULL (BLEEP) YOU RIGHT NOW BY SAYING
I LIKE YOU.>>SO FRIEN FRIENDLY ON AIR.>>Stephen: RIGHT. BUT WHEN YOU’RE IN THE
EGYPTIAN ROOM AT THE MET, HE TURNS ON YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: I WAS NERVOUS BEHIND THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME
BECAUSE I WAS BEHIND CLAIRE FOY WHO PLAYS IN THE CROWN AND
FELICITY JONES FROM ROGUE ONE, THE TWO OF THEM WERE IN FRONT OF
ME.>>Stephen: DID YOU SAY HI TO
THEM?>>I SAID HI TO CLAIRE FOI
BECAUSE SHE HAD BEEN ON THE COUCH HERE.>>OH, SO YOU DO TALK TO PEOPLE
OFF THE SHOW?>>Stephen: YEAH. DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE MET
THE TOMORROW? ( LAUGHTER )
I HAD JUST BLOWN IT, TOO. I WAS ALSO IN A STATE. BEFORE I WALKED INTO THE EVENT,
I SAID TO MY WIFE, WHO’S THE ONE PERSON YOU WANT TO MEET? SHE SAID KIM KARDASHIAN. I SAID, GREAT ANSWER. WE WERE IN THE LONG LINE AND I
SAID ARTIST JEFF KOUNTZE. I UH SAID, ANNA, IT’S JEFF
KOUNTZE. AND KIM KARDASHIAN WAS WALKING
THIS WAY AND I SAID THAT, KIM GETS SPOOKED AND KEEPS WATCHING
AND MY WIFE DOUBLES OVER AND IS LAUGHING AND SAID, YOU BLEW IT!>>Stephen: HE SH’S LIKE A
FOREST ANIMAL, YOU HAVE TO GET LIKE IN A BLIND AND WAIT FOR HER
TO COME THROUGH AT DAWN. ( LAUGHTER )
>>SHE GOT AWAY –>>Stephen: SURE. SHE DIDN’T FALL INTO YOUR SNARE? ( LAUGHTER )
>>THIS IS SERIAL KILLER. SHE GOT AWAY, BUT I WON’T BE
FOILED AGAIN, STEPHEN.>>Stephen: WELL, PLEASE SAY
HELLO NEXT TIME.>>I WILL SAY HELLO.>>Stephen: YOU ARE A BUSY MAN
NEXT TIME. YOU’VE GOT SO MUCH GOING ON. YOU’VE GOT A NEW ALBUM OUT,
YOU’VE GOT A NEW TOUR, “OH, HELLO” ON BROADWAY WHICH YOU
INVITED ME TO. THAT IS GOING TO COME OUT ON
NETFLIX.>>SOON, IN A COUPLE OF DAYS. THE ALBUM IS OUT IN A COUPLE OF
DAYS.>>Stephen: YOU’RE A COMEDIAN,
YOU PUT OUT A COMEDY ALBUM, WHY ON VINYL?>>WHY ON VINYL?>>Stephen: IS IT JUST WARMER? I ACTUALLY HAVEN’T SEEN IT
BEFORE IS THAT YOU LITERALLY HAVEN’T SEEN YOUR OWN ALBUM?>>NO, BECAUSE WE HAVE A BUNCH
OF COPIES FOR YOU BUT MY APARTMENT IS TOO SMALL SO I SENT
THEM TO MY FRIEND’S PLACE. THIS IS TO GREAT.>>Stephen: IT’S A MARY TYLER
MOORE THING ON FRONT.>>YEAH, WE MODELED IT AFTER
JAZZ ALBUMS. IT’S A REAL RECORD.>>Stephen: IT’S A REAL
RECORD.>>THAT’S REALLY COOL.>>Stephen: IT’S NOT BEG GARS
BANQUET INSIDE, IT’S ACTUALLY YOUR ALBUM.>>I’M TRYING TO GO BACKWARDS IN
TERMS OF RAIL VANS — SO BROADWAY, VINYL, THEN I’LL SO A
PUPPET SHOW AT ELLIS ISLAND.>>Stephen: FOR THE
IMMIGRANTS.>>FOR THE IMMIGRANTS!>>Stephen: AND THEY’RE, LIKE,
AH, WE’RE GOING TO HEAD BACK TO THE OLD COUNTRY.>>OUR EYES ARE NOT FILLED WITH
WONDER AT YOUR PUPPET SHOW AND THEN I’LL INTRODUCE A DOGGER
TYPE.>>Stephen: I DIDN’T KNOW IT
WAS PRONOUNCED THAT WAY.>>IS IT DIGERA TYPE?>>Stephen: I THINK SO. WELL, EDIT THAT OUT, TOO,
PLEASE.>>Stephen: FOR MY MONOLOGUE. NO, THAT’S JUST AN
EXPRESSION.>>Stephen: THAT’S JUST AN
EXPRESSION.>>THAT’S SHOW BUSINESS TALK.>>Stephen: DO YOU USE SHOW
BUSINESS TALK WITH YOUR WIFE? MY WIFE AND I LIKE TO SAY TO
EACH OTHER, IF ONE OF US IS TRYING TO CHEER UP THE OTHER
ONE, THE OTHER ONE DOESN’T WANT TO BE CHEERED UP, WE SAY THAT’S
NOT PLAYING TO THIS CAMERA.>>THAT IS ULTRA SPECIFIC.>>Stephen: YEAH. DID YOUR WIFE DIRECT THE MIKE
DOUGLAS SHOW OR SOMETHING?>>Stephen: MERV. MERV.>>Stephen: YOU JUST WENT TO
JAPAN, RIGHT?>>YEAH.>>Stephen: WHAT’S THAT LIKE. GOT TO GO TO JAPAN.>>Stephen: FOR BUSINESS OR
PLEASURE?>>JUST FOR PLEASURE AND TO SEE
JAPAN. MY WIFE HAD BEEN BEFORE AND I
HAD NEVER BEEN. I LOVED IT. I AM NOT — I WOULD RATHER IN
LIFE BE POLITE THAN DO ANYTHING. SO, LIKE, IF YOU AND I WERE
WALKING THROUGH A DOORWAY, I WOULD GO LIKE THISSENED AND IF
YOU WENT LIKE THAT, I WOULD GO LIKE THAT, AND IF YOU WENT LIKE
THAT, IT WOULD GO ON FOR AN HOUR. IN JAPAN, THERE’S A SENSE OF
ETIQUETTE THAT SO JIBES WITH ME WHERE, LIKE, YOU WOULD RATHER,
LIKE, JUST CURL UP INTO A BALL THAN EVER OFFEND ANYONE. AND I’M VERY BAD AT WALKING
AROUND THE STREETS AS A HUMAN BEING —
>>Stephen: ANYWHERE OR JAPAN? ANYWHERE, BUT I DID WELL IN
JAPAN BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE
ME. ( LAUGHTER )
I WAS THERE WITH MY WIFE ALL DAY LONG WALKING AROUND BECAUSE I
WANT EVERYONE TO LIKE ME. I ONCE SAID HELLO TO BALLOONS
BECAUSE THEY WERE IN MY PERIPHERAL VISION, I AND I
THOUGHT, BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY, HI! IT WAS BALLOONS. SO WE WENT TO A BEST BUY —
>>Stephen: THEY STILL HAVE THOSE.>>THE GUY SAID, DO YOU HAVE A
BEST BUY REWARDS CARD? I SAID, NO, I WISH! MY WIFE SAID, OH, MY GOD AND
WALKED OVER TO THE PRINTERS AND STOOD FACING AWAY FROM ME. THE GUY SAID, DO YOU WANT A BEST
BUY REWARDS CARD? AND I SAID, NO. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: SO WHEN YOU WERE OVER THERE, DID YOU HAVE TO
EXPLAIN WHAT WAS GOING ON IN AMERICA TO THEM?>>THEY HAD SEEN THE NEWS.>>Stephen: THEY HAD SEEN THE
NEWS.>>BUT THEY WERE TRYING TO FEEL
US OUT. THEY WERE, LIKE, SO, ARE YOU
HAPPY WITH RECENT DEVELOPMENTS? ( LAUGHTER )
AND WE WERE, LIKE, NO, WE’RE NOT, YOU KNOW. WE’RE NICE PEOPLE. AND NOT THAT YOU’RE NOT NICE,
YOU KNOW — I’M GOING ON NATIONAL TOUR — NOT THAT YOU’RE
NOT NICE –>>Stephen: YOU JUST DON’T
LIKE NICE PEOPLE.>>WE’RE FUN AND NICE, WE LIKE
DAVID BOWIE AND WE DON’T UNDERSTAND TAXES.>>Stephen: RIGHT. THEY SAID, ARE YOU SAD, ARE
YOU SCARED? I SAID, NO, WE’RE NOT, LIKE,
SAD. I’M AN OPTIMISTIC PERSON ABOUT
IT ALL SO I TRIED TO EXPLAIN IT ALL TO THEM THAT, TO ME, IT’S
LIKE THERE’S A HORSE LOOSE IN A HOSPITAL. ( LAUGHTER )
LIKE I THINK EVERYTHING’S GOING TO BE OKAY BUT I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT. AND, LIKE, NONE OF YOU KNOW
EITHER. LIKE, WE’VE ALL NEVER NOT KNOWN
TOGETHER AND, SO, ON THE NEWS, THEY’RE, LIKE, WE HAVE A MAN
HERE WHO ONCE SAW A BIRD IN AN AIRPORT. WE’RE, LIKE, GET THE HELL OUT OF
HERE, THIS IS A HORSE LOOSE IN A HOSPITAL, AND WE’RE ALL, LIKE —
( APPLAUSE ) IT’S NOT GOOD.>>Stephen: THERE ARE WORSE
THINGS. BUT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS.>>YES, BUT IT’S CONFUSING.>>Stephen: YES. BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE JUST
HAVE TO FOLLOW THE HORSE, AND SOME DAYS IT’S, LIKE, THE HORSE
USED THE ELEVATOR. YOU KNOW THOSE DAYS WHERE
YOU’RE, LIKE, IS THE HORSE SMART? ( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN WE’RE ALL JUST, LIKE, WHY HASN’T THE HORSE CATCHER
CAUGHT THE HORSE? AND THE HORSE IS, LIKE, I HAVE
FIRED THE HORSE CATCHER. AND YOU’RE LIKE —
( APPLAUSE ) THAT SHOULDN’T BE A THING!>>Stephen: IS THIS CALLED THE
COMEBACK KID?>>THE COMEBACK KID.>>Stephen: JOHN MULANEY, THE
ALBUM IS THE COMEBACK KID, “OH, HELLO” ON BROADWAY COMES OUT
NEXT TUESDAY ON NETFLIX.

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100 thoughts on “John Mulaney: Trump Is ‘A Horse Loose In A Hospital’

  1. Both John Mulaney and Stephen Colbert have 1950's "Dad Hair" of course because I grew up in Private Catholic prep school. With Irish, Scottish and French Canadian Catholic kids. And they ALL have that hair.

  2. Because He is an ex-Catholic school kid!!! I get it all. SUPER DECENT AND POLITE. We were all trained that way.

  3. This guy is a machine of intelligence and charisma, he just kind of takes over the whole segment with his anecdotes and tangential improvisations! Seems like Stephen has to submit control of the segment to John and try and hit a few key points like promoting his guest's new stuff.

  4. john mulaney will never stop referring to himself as a kid and i love that so much. he will be ninety making albums with kid in the title and i expect nothing less.

  5. A better way to explain the horse is he’s probably not gonna fuck anything up, if he does it would be very bad, and everyone is wondering why the fuck he’s there

  6. ‘well… edit that out too please’ – i wish we could just say this and it would happen in real life lol

  7. I'm glad that John Mulaney knows that everything about him is basically transplanted from a perky but down-to-earth presenter on a variety show broadcasted in black-and-white from 1954.

  8. I thought John Mulaney was doing a silly voice for a bit but then he just kept talking like that every time I saw him.

  9. 8:15 "A horse loose in a hospital" is a pretty good analogy. So, USA, if there's a horse loose in a hospital, we do what…? We….

  10. I don't understand releasing things on vinyl. Seriously? Who under the age of 80 has a record player?

  11. Of course there's a horse loose in a hospital. Where else would it be? On the plains running free! This is pretzel logic universe.

  12. It worries me that there are so many people cheering and egging on this rampant horse in the hospital. They seem to forget that we're not watching this on the news from the safety of our homes – we're all bedlocked patients in that hospital.

  13. I love that the jokes he used in this interview are in Kid Gorgeous. He uses the same jokes, but nobody cares because they are great, and great jokes deserve to be told more than once.

  14. Not sure why I even clicked this. Now that I did I'm having second thoughts. I'll tell you why I don't like Jon Mulaney. He seems too plastic. I get a kind of phony or fake vibe from him.
    And as for Stevie boy, I think it's pretty obvious why he's annoying.

  15. "I have fired the horse catcher"
    John Mullaney just made me see a talking horse with a terrible blonde comb-over.
    The analogy of a horse lose in a hospital is so perfect it could just go on forever.
    News: the horse is now in the ICU.
    Viewers: what's it doing in there!? It could really cause some serious damage. Someone should coax the horse onto a safer floor where it can't bother anyone.

  16. John says Hi to balloons
    The rest of us say hi to our hair when we see a strand out of the corner of our eye

  17. This was the best interview that I’ve seen in awhile. John is an awesome person. And he got star struck seeing Steven. Steven was pretty cool too in the interview with him. I never thought japan were polite I mean I’ve seen evidence but wow. I don’t rly see it here any as often. Just the other day I opened the door at a gas station for a woman for her to go in and she had said to me “I’m a woman I can do it myself!” That hurt me bc I was just being polite. I too sometimes feel like I just don’t want to offend anyone. It doesn’t feel nice.

  18. Oh man, his horse bit is so good. I come back to this video every 6 months or so to laugh at our current situation.

  19. John Mulaney's full "Horse in a Hospital" bit is one of the greatest pieces of comedy ever written. I stand by that and I will die on this hill. And even if I'm wrong (which I'm not) then I at least get to die on a hill and no longer have to live in a world where Trump is president. So it's basically a win/win situation.

    PS I think I'm funnier than I actually am.

  20. I saw this video in my recommended and I saw John Mulaney in the thumbnail. I hadn't watched it yet. All that I saw in the title was "Donald trump is a 'horse…" and I thought to myself "Sounds like a totally legit accusation.

  21. one time I was sitting on the toilet and I look over and there a four foot snake n the floor outta nowhere. in the bathroom. I finish up and get on the internet to find out what to do – if it's dangerous, etc., and by the time I get back, I got a big box and a broom with me, the thing's gone and I never see it again. so everything's gonna be fine.

  22. Only 1K dislikes. You Russian trolls are becoming slackers. Putin expects more negative comments on this video and more support for his minion, Donny Ttump (I'm just honoring Donny's new spelling of his last name). If you trolls don't start to shape up it might be the gulag for you.

  23. There is this girl at work , I've never said hi to her. Even when there is an eye contact… Just realized she liked me the whole time and I feel like it's "too late to say hi".

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