New Trump Nicknames For 2020 Democrats

New Trump Nicknames For 2020 Democrats


WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO “THE LATE
SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. I FORGOT TO SAY THIS FRIDAY BUT
HAPPY MARCH, EVERYBODY. WE MADE IT THROUGH FEBRUARY. IT WAS SUCH AN ACCOMPLISHMENT TO
MAKE IT THROUGH FEBRUARY.>>Jon: A TOUGH MONTH.>>Stephen: ALSO HAPPY BUDGET
DAY. THE PRESIDENT RELEASED HIS
2020 SPENDING PLAN, WHICH HE’S CALLING “A BUDGET FOR A BETTER
AMERICA: PROMISES KEPT. TAXPAYERS FIRST.” OKAY, PICK A SLOGAN. ( LAUGHTER )
JUST ONE. THAT TITLE’S GOT A LITTLE
JUNK IN THE TRUNK. BUT HE OVERDOES EVERYTHING. IT’S ALWAYS TOO MUCH. ORIGINALLY, TRUMP WANTED TO
CALL IT: “A BUDGET FOR A BETTER AMERICA: FINGER LICKIN’ GOOD. WE ARE FARMERS. BUM BAH DUM DAH BUM BAH DA BAH
BAH BAH. I’M LOVIN’ IT.” ( LAUGHTER )
AND THE REVIEWS ARE ALREADY IN. HOUSE DEMOCRATS RAVE, “DEAD ON
ARRIVAL,” “NO CHANCE OF PASSING,” AND “DIVORCED FROM
REALITY.'” ( LAUGHTER )
IS THERE ANYTHING HE WON’T DIVORCE? ( LAUGHTER )
♪ WHOA, NOW ♪>>Stephen: DEMOCRATS HAVE A
VERY GOOD REASON FOR OPPOSING THIS BUDGET:
IT INCLUDES A REQUEST FOR AT LEAST $8.6 BILLION MORE IN
FUNDING FOR A WALL. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>>Stephen: YOU WERE A LITTLE LATE, BUT THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WE’VE BEEN HER BEFORE. YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING, “FOOL
ME ONCE– WAIT A SEC, YOU DIDN’T FOOL ME THE FIRST TIME, YOU’RE
ALREADY TRYING IT AGAIN!?” ( LAUGHTER )
BUT TRUMP’S BUDGET ISN’T SUPPOSED TO APPEAL TO DEMOCRATS. IT’S FOR HIS BASE IN THE RUN UP
TO 2020. TO THAT END, TRUMP HAS LAUNCHED
A MASSIVE REELECTION EFFORT, LED BY 2020 CAMPAIGN MANAGER AND
TIME-TRAVELING MEDIEVAL MONK, BRAD PARSCALE. HE BRAGS, “WE ARE CREATING THE
LARGEST CAMPAIGN OPERATION IN AMERICAN HISTORY, AN UNSTOPPABLE
APPARATUS THAT WILL FOLLOW AND IMPLEMENT PRESIDENT TRUMP’S
STRATEGY TO GREAT EFFECT.” YES, YOU KNOW YOU’RE THE GOOD
GUYS WHEN YOU BOAST ABOUT HAVING: “THE UNSTOPPABLE
APPARATUS. ( LAUGHTER )
♪ EVERY CITIZEN WILL COME UNDER
ITS OMNIPOTENT SWAY, ONCE WE IMPLEMENT: PROTOCOL OMEGA. WE WILL GET OUT THE VOTE,
WITHOUT MERCY. THANKS TO THE UNSTOPPABLE
APPARATUS.” ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DID I BLACK OUT? OF COURSE, BEFORE IT CAN CRUSH
US UNDER ITS IRON WHEELS OF DESTINY, THE APPARATUS MUST BE
FED. TRUMP’S ALREADY RAKING MONEY. ON FRIDAY NIGHT, HE SPOKE TO
REPUBLICAN DONORS AT MAR-A-LAGO, AND THINGS GOT A LITTLE WEIRD. YOU’LL REMEMBER, LAST WEEK, WHEN
TRUMP MET WITH APPLE CEO TIM COOK, AND HE DID THIS:
>>WE APPRECIATE IT VERY MUCH, TIM-APPLE. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: YES, VERY MUCH.>>Jon: THAT’S NOT HIS NAME.>>Stephen: YEAH, TIM APPLE. ( LAUGHTER )
ONE OF THE THREE FAMOUS APPLE BOYS, TIM, PINE AND CRAN. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
LET IT SINK IN. LET IT SINK IN. OKAY, SO IT WAS FUNNY HE DID
THIS. HA HA. WE CERTAINLY MADE OUR JOKES. TIM COOK, CHANGED HIS TWITTER
HANDLE TO TIM APPLE. ALL IN GOOD FUN!>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: AND IT WAS OVER. BUT NOW, IT HAS BLOSSOMED INTO
AN ON-GOING NATIONAL SCANDAL THAT WE’RE CALLING “APPLEGATE.” NOT CHRISTINA. ( LAUGHTER )
SHE’S A NATIONAL TREASURE. AT THIS SELF-SAME,
AFOREMENTIONED FUNDRAISER, OF WHICH I WAS JUST SPEAKING OF,
TRUMP RESURRECTED THE CONTROVERSY BY TELLING THE
DONORS THAT HE ACTUALLY SAID “TIM COOK APPLE” REALLY FAST,
AND THE “COOK” PART OF THE SENTENCE WAS SOFT. BUT ALL YOU HEARD FROM THE “FAKE
NEWS WAS “TIM APPLE.” ( LAUGHTER )
MR. PRESIDENT, WORDS DON’T JUST DISAPPEAR FROM THE MIDDLE OF
SENTENCES. UNLESS IT’S CBS BLEEPING ME WHEN
I SAY EXCUSES LIKE THIS ARE ( BLEEP ) INSANE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
DID I SAY “APPLE-ING INSANE”? WE’LL NEVER KNOW. MAYBE I’M WRONG. MAYBE HE’S NOT APPLED IN THE
HEAD. ( LAUGHTER )
LET’S SLOW THAT CLIP WAY DOWN AND BOOST THE VOLUME SO WE CAN
HEAR THE MIDDLE PART.>>WE APPRECIATE IT VERY MUCH,
TIM –>>COOK, THE C.E.O. OF —
— APPLE.>>STEPHEN: CHECKS OUT.>>Jon: I HEARD IT THAT TIME. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: WE WERE WRONG. DAMN YOU, FAKE NEWS. THAT CHECKS OUT. EVEN TRUMP’S OWN DONORS, WHO HAD
TO DONATE AT LEAST SIX FIGURES TO GET INTO THIS EVENT, KNEW THE
STORY WAS NUTS. ONE TOLD REPORTERS, “I JUST
THOUGHT, WHY WOULD YOU LIE ABOUT THAT. IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER!”
( LAUGHTER ) “YES, I WAS THERE AT THE DONOR
EVENT, AND I TURNED TO MY WIFE AND SAID, THIS MAN WILL LIE
ABOUT LITERALLY ANYTHING! ( LAUGHTER )
HAND ME MY CHECKBOOK. TRUMP 2020!”
( LAUGHTER ) BIG CHECK. BIG CHECK. ( PIANO RIFF )
NO ONE BELIEVED HIS LIE, SO TRUMP HAS ALREADY RELEASED LIE
2.0. THIS MORNING HE TWEETED, “AT A
RECENT ROUND TABLE MEETING OF BUSINESS EXECUTIVES, AND LONG
AFTER FORMALLY INTRODUCING TIM COOK OF APPLE, I QUICKLY
REFERRED TO TIM “PLUS” APPLE AS TIM “SLASH” APPLE AS AN EASY WAY
TO SAVE TIME AND WORDS. THE FAKE NEWS WAS DISPARAGINGLY
ALL OVER THIS, AND IT BECAME YET ANOTHER BAD TRUMP STORY!”
SO, AFTER NO ONE BELIEVED THAT HE SECRETLY WHISPERED HIS NAME
AND TITLE, TRUMP CLAIMED HE WAS SHORTENING IT TO SAVE TIME. TIME HE COULD BE SPENDING WITH
HIS KIDS. ( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE, ON THEIR DEATH BED, EVERYONE SAYS THE SAME THING. “I HAVE ONLY ONE REGRET, THAT I
WASTED SO MUCH OF MY LIFE ON SAYING LAST NAMES INSTEAD OF
OCCUPATIONS. ( LAUGHTER )
DON’T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES I DID, LITTLE JOHNNY PAPER ROUTE.” ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
VERY DEEPLY INTO CHARACTER THERE FOR JUST A MOMENT. AT THE FUNDRAISER, TRUMP ALSO
ROLLED OUT SOME BRAND NEW OPPONENT NICKNAMES. HE CALLED BIDEN “THE DUMMY.” BALLSY, CONSIDERING HIS RUNNING
MATE IS A MANNEQUIN. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MOTHER. MOTHER. TRUMP’S ALSO DOING SOME
THOUGHTFUL REBRANDING, REVEALING THAT INSTEAD OF “CRAZY BERNIE.” HE NOW CALLS SANDERS “THE NUTTY
PROFESSOR.” ( LAUGHTER )
NICE. TOPICAL. REALLY GOING AFTER THE YOUTH
VOTE WITH HIS 50 YEAR OLD REFERENCE. AND HE’S RIGHT. BERNIE SANDERS LOOKS EXACTLY
LIKE JERRY LEWIS. “HEY LADY, THE 1% CONTROL 90% OF
THE WEALTH. OH, DEAN, TUITION SHOULD BE FREE
FOR EVERYONE! HEALTHCARE IS A HOIDEN!”
WITH THE HAY AND THE NICE AND THE LOVE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪
TRUMP ALSO WAS A LITTLE BUMMED OUT ABOUT ELIZABETH WARREN,
SAYING HIS ATTACKS ON HER “TOOK HER OUT REALLY EARLY” AND THAT
AS A RESULT, HE WANTED TO SAVE HIS MOST WITHERING LINES ABOUT
OTHER DEMOCRATS FOR LATER IN THE PRIMARY. “TIMING IS EVERYTHING. I’M WAITING UNTIL I ADDRESS THE
U.N. GENERAL ASSEMBLY TO CALL THE
FORMER GOVERNOR OF COLORADO ‘JOHN LICKS-HISPOOPER.’. OOPS– BROKE IT OUT TOO EARLY. JUST CAN’T TURN OFF THIS THING.” ( LAUGHTER )
ON HIS WAY TO MAR A LAGO, TRUMP STOPPED IN ALABAMA TO TOUR THE
TORNADO DAMAGE THERE AND HE CAUGHT SOME HEAT FOR SIGNING
SOMETHING FOR HIS SUPPORTERS: BIBLES. IT’S A REAL COLLECTOR’S ITEM. NOT EVERYONE HAS A BIBLE SIGNED
PRESIDENT “AAAAAAAAAAHHH!” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )

Posts created 19620

100 thoughts on “New Trump Nicknames For 2020 Democrats

  1. Trump so insecure, can't even take the slightest criticism; of course he is the village idiot anyways. God help us all get through until 2020 elections and we can All Unite and Vote, and get this Demi-God, Dictator, Lunatic, Anti-Christ out of office.

  2. Your sad show brings more division to Americans than laughs with your constant liberal bashing about Trump!!!

  3. I can't believe this pathological liar. Any conservative who believes in not telling lies should not be falling for this stupidity. Where did your morals go? I don't know about you but in my religion we were taught to tell the truth.

  4. Why would you even want a bible signed by Trump? That's like getting The Shining autographed by Stephanie Meyer or having someone autograph your dictionary. Why not get him to autograph his book?

  5. seriously Stephen are  you trying to be a comedian. Does it have to include bashing Trump continuously. A least he is trying to achieve something. Like a church minister you rely heavily on your denomination which must it seems be mostly democratic or do you rely on canned laughter for your  appreciation. Seriously is just piss taking the only thing you can espouse to. Why don't you try and be a proper comedian and get out there to  a non partisan audience.

  6. Dear President Orange: Please do try to remember that NORMAL CEOs do NOT name their companies after themselves.

    –Dave, badly socialized

  7. I love this guy's originality. Trump jokes, who knew? This guy is so funny that about 15 seconds of his hilarity is all I can take. He is the quintessence of white privilege.

  8. Anyone can lie about important stuff. Pathological liars lie about things they don't even need to lie about.

  9. The raised eyebrow when he said “The Unstoppable Apparatus” reminded me of a character Stephen played on that other show which cannot be named.

  10. Trump is so efficient with his words which gives him more "executive time". Unlike Obama who wasted his time speaking coherently.

  11. Or, maybe Trump was referring to the newer Nutty Professor. Though, in that case, if Bernie was more like Eddie Murphy he might actually appeal to voters of color.

  12. That very last bit was an awesomely funny way to end this video, "….President, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"

  13. seems majority of trump bashers post the comments and supporters are the replying comments, just an observation

  14. Just for giggles, I kind-of want Donald Trump to sign my dusty Qur'an! But I suppose it is just as silly to have Donald Trump sign a Bible, when he publicly disagrees with the core teachings.

    – The Bible: "Repent for the kingdom of heaven is near!"

    – Donald Trump: "I don't apologize."

  15. Dude. The personal insecurity behind that Tim Apple thing is unlike anything I've ever seen….and I've been watching The US President Show for all three seasons.
    And don't even get me started on that…"signature". LOL! xD

  16. Come to think of it fatty Trump IS a 72 year old man America. He probably suffer from dementia or some other form of mental illness.

  17. Trump was denied $ 5.7 billion for his damn wall, and now he’s asking for another $ 8.6 billion?! Only he knows what’s happening in his brain, probably

  18. This is another sign of dementia. You have the words in your head, but when you try to convey them, even in writing, you omit or replace words. I know this because it is happening to me. At my age, my father had it much worse. While working on his car he said "I need an allen shovel, a policeman, and can you get me two cups of oil with one nut". I was filming him at the time. Later that evening, I played the video for him and he went completely pale. See, dementia is a creeper disease. It's not like suddenly you are a blathering idiot. It comes and it goes, but it progresses. Alzheimer's is also a creeper, but it happens much faster and has different side effects.

  19. It is a source of humor, admittedly. But when it happens to you or a loved one, it's no longer funny at all. If anything, his family should convince him not to run in the 2020 campaign. By that time, his condition will have worsened, and he will more and more often embarrass himself. I have never liked him, his personality, or his policies. But he is still a human being. If anyone has any clout with him, please let him know he needs to exit public life, retire, and enjoy the remaining years of his life.

  20. Ancient Rome had Nero, he is best known for completely being out of his mind and ran
    the craziest empire ever! He left his entire empire with feelings of anger
    and dissatisfaction, and left  a path of chaos behind him, sound
    familiar?

  21. Who’s taking bets?,I’ll put $100 he wins again 20/20 thanks to democrats division and all of them seem to be running

  22. Jon is an idiot and should dedicate his time to the semi music he plays instead of the stupid sounds, grunts and babble.

  23. MAGA MFZ!!!!!!!TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP..
    damm dems….gtfoh
    .
    Was hoping to,find BIDENS new nickname that the BEST PRESIDENT since REGAN gave him…not too mention RICHARD NIXON!!!!!😝😉😉😉

  24. Lol When you cover up an unbelievable lie with another unbelievable you really need to quit while you're behind.

  25. btw colbear….is that the right pronunciation or colbert. ..I don't really care…which ever you pretend to be…how much funds from the Clinton foundation and that the Greek geek billionaire did you received for calling President Trump out and making fun of him? Hillary or furious Hillbilly still got a grudge heh ?

  26. I can tell by reading the comments here and watching Colbert that Trump will once again win in 2020. They just do not get it and I'm not sure they ever will….lol!

    The difference between a Trump supporter and a Trump hater is that the Trump supporter takes him seriously but not literally and haters take him literally but not seriously…. In the end it brings out a ton of butthurt from the haters because it makes them seem as if they can't take a joke by taking every little word Trump says as a literal Dictator's commands instead of sarcasm…. It seems they can dish out a ton of it but can't take it back even in the slightest…. I'll be back here come election night to see if these people are still laughing. I know I could have started a salt mine from all these tears shed in the month of November back I 2016.😂…. Can't wait to see the genius comebacks below by the way. Usually it's just a bunch of snobbish wannabe intellectual hipsters who think they have the moral high ground simply because they don't like Trump. Go figure…. I've never seen so many people detached from reality. It's like they've formed a Hollwood Pop-Culture Bubble around themselves and can't see anything outside of it….. At least I can say from sitting in the center that when I look to both sides I don't see the same on the Right. The Right easily seem to read the Left and where they're coming from and why, while the Left seem completely incapable of doing the same.

  27. I can make it simpler. They are ALL assholes. Even Colbert. Just a bunch of left wing hate filled Assholes.

  28. Every time tRump prices the wall, the price goes up. Ti started at about $5 billion, then went to $6 billion, now it's up to over $8 billion.
    Obviously the tRump family owns the supply company. A hammer has gone from $5.00 to $250.00 and is now $1250.00.

  29. If there's one good thing about 45 being president, it's that his character, rather his lack of character, clearly demostrates the multitude of divisions in america. Thanks for making this fact plain, Mr. Colbert. 👍

  30. I'm just happy Stephen referred to the real "Nutty Professor" movie and not the Murphy one. And his Jerry Lewis impression is pretty good!

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