As-salaam alaikum, everyone! My name is Bassem Youssef. In my native Egypt, I was a surgeon— until the Arab Spring, when I realized my country itself had fallen ill. So I created a comedy show to help the nation heal. The people liked it, but the government, not such much. And before things got worse, I left for the land of the free. Now I can learn from the best. After all, this is the United States of America— the greatest democracy on Earth. Right? As everyone knows, democracy is great–in theory. But in the real world it’s so damn boring. A constitutional Um. –a constitutional. Is this not working? Which is why it’s so great to see that America is finally warming up to the idea of being ruled by the biggest bully with the most gold. That’s how we do it in the Middle East. And I can assure you, it works. Even when it doesn’t work… it works. And the Orange Menace has all the qualities of a fantastic supreme leader: He controls the media. “I won’t be doing the debate.” He has a cult of personality. It’s a beautiful building Did he need to put his name all over the front of it? He’s fearless. Hey look at this! The hostile takeover of Donald Trump! He silences the opposition. –Property for a living. –Let me talk. Let me talk. Quiet. He likes to see people suffer. “Would I approve waterboarding?” “You bet your ass I’d approve it!” He rules absolutely. What would you do if the US military refused to carry out those orders? “They won’t refuse.” “They’re not going to refuse me.” He has all that gold. All the hardware for this seat is 24-karat gold to match the rest of the gold plating throughout the aircraft. And, most importantly, he has what so many dictators before him have had: a deep abiding friendship with Dennis Rodman. So Dennis, you went and you saw Kim Jong-un. I happen to think tha’ts a good thing, I really do. One Trump to Rule Them All There has been a lot of chatter about Trump and Muslims. Will he deport us? Will he kill us? Will he fire us? You’re fired. I don’t know why everyone is so worried! Donald Trump is the only choice for the discerning Muslim who loves America but misses the comfort of a really solid dictatorship. And there is no bigger Muslim Trump superfan than Saba Ahmed. Who do you think will win this Presidential election? Trump. Would you vote for him? I would. Despite everything that he said, you would. Yes, because we believe in his business background. We feel he can actually help revive the economy. and fix things in Washington. So, it sounds like kind of an uphill fight for you. Trump’s saying that, you know, we should ban Muslims, build a wall. I mean just a couple of days ago he just made this comment about bullets dipped in pig’s blood. I feel like it’s part of politics. “There is a great hatred toward Americans by large segments of the Muslim population. It’s going to get worse and worse. You’re going to have more World Trade Centers. They have no respect for human life.” What you have to understand is whenever you say something against Islam or Muslims, you get the votes. I mean, this is politics, right? It’s politics. Yeah, he can trash us all he wants as long as he gets into the White House. That’s how this country works. Would you consider just being just less Muslim-y? No. I think I would actually ask Trump or Ivanka to start a scarf collection line as well at one of their things. Trump scarves? Saba is thinking too small. There are 1.6 billion Muslims in the world. Trump hijabs, Trump niqabs, Trump burkinis. The possibilities are endless! I still didn’t have a good handle on what Trump’s plans were, so I journeyed down south with his followers to find out. I believe that he loves America. Well, he’s definitely energetic. He’s electric. I think you can depend on what he tell you that he’ll do what he tells you. Trump. A hundred percent. He’s a loudmouth and I think we need that. Yeah! You understand exactly how is he going to make America Great again? Uh, I might not understand fully, but I like what I do hear for the most part. So– Like what? Um. I mean, he’s literally saying he’s going to make America great again. And you like that? I love that! I think he can help get this country back on the financial road. So do you think that he’s successful financially? Yes, very much so. Tell us about some of his successful businesses. I cannot. I just know that every businessman fails, goes bankrupt, like several times. He doesn’t answer to anybody. That’s right. He doesn’t obey anybody. That’s right. Nobody can hold him accountable. That’s right. Yeah. That’s amazing. I like Donald Trump because he is a very intelligent person. What has he done or said that made you think that he’s smart? Well, I watched him on “The Apprentice.” Yes. Yes. Yes. That’s, that’s, that’s crazy. Oh, he’s here! Oh my God, look! And there he was, up in the sky, taking his place among the Gods. You know, Saddam Hussein, Muammar Gaddafi, Adolf Hitler. CROWD: USA! USA! USA! “We’re gonna start winning. We’re gonna win. We’re not gonna lose. Why are we losing?” “Whose gonna pay for the wall?” CROWD: Mexico! “We’re gonna get rid of Obamacare very, very much.” Yeah! F**k you, Obama! “We’re gonna knock ISIS out so fast.” “2nd Amendment, which, by the way, we are going to keep and solidify.” Yeah! Guns! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump Yeaaaaaah! By our souls! By our blood! We will die for you, Trump! Yeah! Oh, I just know you’re going to love absolute rule! It’s so much simpler. Cheaper. Quicker. Shinier. So let’s make it happen. Let’s turn this– I pledge allegiance to the flag… into this: (IN KOREAN): Our father, General Kim Jong-il. Oh, wait! We already have! President Donald Trump knows how to make America great! Deal from strength or get crushed every time! Trump has what matters most for a dictator: a 24-hour news cycle that follows him around like a dog. And when he’s elected, I hope he turns the War Room into the Board Room– and puts the whole thing on TV. That way, people can tune in every week to see who the Supreme Leader will fire! Will he fire China? Will he fire North Korea? Will he put Dennis Rodman in his cabinet? We’ll all have to tune in and find out.