Today we’re forgiving all student debt and making college totally free. No American will ever pay for an education again! REPORTERS: MR. PRESIDENT! MR PRESIDENT! *cameras flash* BUFFY: HI-YA! GIRL: Ugh! The news is so boring now. Let’s watch the new season of Buffy! BOY: I’m so glad it’s back. I sure love 2017. GIRL: Ahhh…It’s the best! Oh, no! OPERATOR: Times up lady! Outta clams, you gotta scram. GILLIGAN: Gosh Skipper, do you think they’ll ever find us? TRUMP: Why didn’t Obama “rescue” (save) castaways on that uncharted desert isle? SAD! *tweet swish* *laughter from TV* REPORTERS: OVER HERE PLEASE! SARAH! COULD YOU LOOK!? HEY SARAH! OVER HERE! REPORTER (off-screen): Sarah, now, is the president sitting around all morning watching TV? REPORTER (off-screen): Sarah, now, is the president sitting around all morning watching TV?
SARAH HUCKABEE: Ugh…Shut up! SARAH HUCKABEE: Ugh…Shut up! The president cares about the plight of ALL castaways! Now, NEXT QUESTION. PAUL RYAN: If there were a group of shipwrecked, white civilians, every effort should have been made to find them, something the Obama administration IGNORED! DR. VON PHILBERT: Und so you see, there are an infinite number of parallel universes, SEAN HANNITY: So it’s possible that in one of these realities, Gilligan’s Island IS happening! So Trump was right. *The Penguin laughing* TRUMP: Carnage in Gotham! Obama ignored “The Penguin” (see tape) but I will catch him. Enjoy! REPORTERS: SARAH! OVER HERE! PLEASE! QUESTION! REPORTERS: SARAH! OVER HERE! PLEASE! QUESTION!
*twitter notification* REPORTERS: SARAH! OVER HERE! PLEASE! QUESTION!
HUCKABEE: Uggghhhh… HUCKABEE: Uggghhhh… HOST: Sunday Hot Takes! Where opinions are like assholes, we’ve got one each. HOST: This week on Sunday Hot Takes, the wage gap between men and women, is it really such a bad thing? Jill, you hate other women, start us off with something awful. JILL: Well I’m wealthy and I’m doing just fine! I am sorry feminists are too ugly to get a raise. Try leaning in, or being born rich. That’s an option! HOST: Scorching! Ayoni, you’re some scammy self-help author on this subject. Melt my face with some hot knowledge. AYONI: Women should focus less on being paid ‘MONEY’ and more on channeling their INNER GLOW to create wealth that’s inside your head! You would know this if you bought my book. HOST: Huh! A take so hot, it’s cold! Don? Don wake up will ya? Quick! We need a take! DON: Male and female, the two genders. These kids, they’ve got 40 genders. I like two, traditional. HOST: Not exactly what we’re talking about, but I like it. Don! I think it’s time for you to get a raise! Here you go. And a little for daddy… Next up, is child support biased against men who happen to be famous TV hosts? I definitely think so! TRUMP: (mumbling) TRUMP: (mumbling)
CONWAY: Sir, we need you to sign off on the-sir? Sir! TRUMP: (mumbling) TV: ♫ Ba-ba-ba-ba-baaaaa the Matress King! ♫ TV: ♫ Ba-ba-ba-ba-baaaaa the Matress King! ♫
AIDES: Psst! Hey! Sir? Sir! TV: ♫ Ba-ba-ba-ba-baaaaa the Matress King! ♫ TRUMP: (singing) Hmm…hmm…the Mattress King! TRUMP: (singing) Hmm…hmm…the Mattress King!
AIDES: Important president stuff for you to do. TRUMP: (singing) Hmm…hmm…the Mattress King! AIDE: What do we have to do to get this guy’s attention? AIDE #2: Hmm… *ding* *construction noises* *grunts* *phone beeps* *phone beeps*
Alright people, its show time! Get this cleaned up! Alright people, its show time! Get this cleaned up! TRUMP: That’s a good mention… (mumbling) TRUMP: That’s a good mention… (mumbling)
KUSHNER: Okay phone time is over! KUSHNER: Okay phone time is over! It’s TV time now, sir. ‘HOST’: So Ms. Conway, Trump has been all but silent on- CONWAY: Okay, that is fake news! Our VERY active president will be signing the SYRIA THING we talked about first thing tomorrow morning. ‘HOST’: Oh no! We don’t want him to! TRUMP: Oh hey they’re talking about me, this is good! Let’s see how unfair MSNBC, is being, to Trump. FAKE JOE: As a shill for Hillary Clinton, The least crooked person ever, I’d hate it for the president to answer important emails from his aides! TRUMP: I’ll answer them all! Okay? Even the ones from Groupon. People say to me, that I write the best emails, believe me! ‘HOST’: This is Fox news. I SAID, THIS. *kick* IS. *kick* FOX. *kick* NEWS. *kick* Ahem! And so the president plans to stay off Twitter tomorrow, is that right? AIDE #2: This president is SO smart, he doesn’t need Twitter! TRUMP: I’ll stay off tomorrow. I thought of that myself. ‘HOST’: Oh boy! *yawns* It’s getting late! AIDE #2: It sure is! It’s time for all big boys to brush their teeth, and get ready for bed. *yawn* *male horror scream**fog horn* *smacks lips* *teeth brushing * *humming* TRUMP: Goodnight TV. *humming* ‘HOST’: Goodnight, sir- I mean, uhh and now for a commercial break. TRUMP: Goodnight, commercial. *exhausted sighs* CONWAY: Great job, everyone! AIDE #1: I guess we just do that every day for three and a half years. *groaning* MAN: Wow thanks for the great surgery! NURSE: No problem. Your bill is in the mail. *nurses laughing* Just kidding. We all know healthcare is free in 2017. Now just sit back and watch the new season of Buffy. TRUMP: ABSOLUTELY SPECTACULAR! *babble* *man gasps* *glitch noises* *monkey noises and Trump talking* *white noise static* MAN: Ugh. I didn’t ask to be in a political satire. OPERATOR: None of us did kid. Tough noogies. No refunds.